Just another mom, random thoughts!

Love hurts so why do we try

I think of love as such a warm feeling that makes you smile. It is the phone call you can’t wait to have and it isn’t what is said it is just the person on the other end.  The car driving up and the person coming up to the door that makes your heart beat faster.  The email that says it has arrived with just the simple note inside.  Love makes your dreams wander endlessly to the what can be.  Love captures every piece of your soul and doesn’t care how it affects your life.  There is no rules to love saying that after 6 days, 6 months, or even a year is when it will hit you.  Love doesn’t promise to show you all of it’s faults or what happens if it’s not true to you.

So why do we want this love by our side, why can’t we tell if it’s just infatuation its close friend.  Why when there is a chance for hurt will we give everything up just for the chance? When something goes wrong it brings tears of acid to our face the sting burns us to our very soul, but somehow we would do it again even if faced with rejection.

I have been burned by the fire of love, and sold out by the hate that followed when they decided to close the doors.  My tears keep flowing, and I think that it be easier to drown then see what might be there waiting if I try again to open that door.  How do you tell your soul that what hurts is good for you?  How do you trust yourself not to make a mistake without heartbreak?  What makes love so worth shattering our lives and having to rebuild our dreams when we open our eyes?

I was told as a child love doesn’t hurt. Promised fairy tales and happy endings.  Told that your prince will come. Every girl deserves a man of her dreams, but that is what they are just dreams.

No one tells that you have to work hard to make love survive for it doesn’t on it’s own, and that the world on its own will work against you everyday.  No one shares that people change and decide that one day your love is not what they wanted all this time.  Power, fame, money, all can make your love die.  The struggle to attain the earthly items drag down and trample over what is supposed to be the most valuable gift.  Love is given so freely but taken so lightly and discarded when not used like waste.

I don’t know if I am willing to give love a try anymore, but I am thankful for the gift of seeing others that do.   Maybe someday love you will teach me to trust you, but till then I will walk the road of apprehension.

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I am not angry.

I am not angry, really I am not.  I am getting tired of people asking why I am not, or telling me they would be, or that I should be, or that they think I am and just hiding it.  I am not angry, I am frustrated and confused, but not angry.

I think everyone has the right to feel whatever emotions for however long when going through losing someone.  I mean losing someone through, divorce, death, or any other means.  Who are we to judge how someone feels, when they are over it and when they are not.

Yes, I am going through a divorce and have been for almost 3 years.  Yes, that is a long time.  Yes, I was very sad at first, then I was angry.  How could someone do this to you?  Why did this person do this to you, and not only me, but the children that are involved.

Then I realized that I am not in charge of helping that person, but I can help myself.  I am here for that person, if they can follow the rules, I have put before myself for how I feel I want to treat others and how others should treat me.  The key to that saying is how I treat others, for if I treat this person unkindly how fair am I to expect the same back from them.  I can not.

I decided that just because they were not happy and could not be part of a marriage does not make either one of us bad, and that I should thank them for moving forward and letting me able to try and find someone whom can like me for me.  I only wish that they can find the same.

I am frustrated, because I keep being told on how to communicate and that I am not doing the best and should put more into it.  Yet I am also told to make sure it is respectful, and so to be respectful, I have limited the communication to what is needed nothing more.  No, judgments upon their life and no questions as to why just moving forward.  If this other person can not be respectful in their words or action why I shouldn’t I be frustrated for how do I communicate, or even want to.

I am confused, for why would you want me to communicate with a person that is so hurtful, and why am I supposed to care of why he hurt me.  Should I not just move forward, and be thankful that I can, and wish the best for him.  Why would it matter the reason to the hurt, or even why would you go back to the hurt when it is repetitive?  Confused as why anybody thinks this knowledge or lack of is a good thing.

So for myself, I am not angry. I just want to get past and go on, and be where the hurt is not your focus. what you had when you found each other, and saw to have stayed so long is what you say thank you for and go from there.

When someone lives with such anger all it does create more hatred around, it does not surround your life with joy and show even the people that you need to communicate around or children you brought in what they are about.  I will resound that my children are from love and nothing more.  They do not have any part of the anger or anything that made us fall apart, but they show a combined of the goodness that each had inside.  I may not agree with how things are done with children through the other person, but I refuse to show any anger about him.  I will be honest, that I may not be happy with the other person, but that inside them was someone whom I did love, and still do.  I tell my children never to look at the bad of someone, find the goodness, and then move on.  You don’t have to live in their shadows of unhappiness, but you do need to see the love they had shone that helped create the wonderful you.

So, I am not angry!  I am frustrated, confused, but very much wishing that I will be able to loose those traits in my hope that I will not care so much one day.  Till that time, I will still show the world even on our worst day that there is something great even if it is in the darkness we find it.

I am not angry, I have beautiful children that you gave me, so I could never be angry.

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looking for the opposite side

Walking out into the rain, feeling as if everything is running out of me.  Tears no longer feel as if they are alone, they have no silence to keep because the raindrops make a new melody.  The pain shifts from within to follow the thunder so no matter how you scream, it all seems to become part of nature calling out to talk to you.  Releasing all that energy of pain from inside, feels like the storm has come to an end.  

Sitting in the puddle on the ground, wet from the outside in I am starting to feel better inside.  The storm may have reached a calm that you can reach out to see some of the light   that was hidden behind those clouds.  You may even start feeling the heat from love within that which was buried beneath.

Sometimes it feels like we can never see the light, or that darkness has overcome, but it is up to us to reach out and see that even the dark has light within it.  The stars and moon still shine upon us to show that dreams are not to be forgotten.  

God gave us the stars to which we rest our dreams upon so that when we sleep we imagine how far we can go.  He put the stars up high in the sky so we have something to reach for, if he laid the stars upon the ground we wouldn’t have any reason to reach up for what we believe.  

If you only look down when you walk, then you are trying to make sure you never stumble upon that path.  Don’t you think that maybe the rock was to be stumbled upon so we realize how to get up again and be thankful for the things we see along our way.

Sunshine gives you the warmth of someone surrounding you in the friendship and love you need.  It tells your soul that you are worth something.  

Nature is the building blocks of God touching out to your heart and soul.  He is trying to help you through, and touch you with his words.  Do we listen and can we relate to what we see?  

Don’t step on the cliff and jump, it is there for you to see the bottom where you were and be grateful you are at the top.  Don’t step on the sand at the ocean and think of how it is constantly shifting beneath your feet.  see the change that it takes you to and allow yourself to be carried into a new direction of hope.

Don’t take the weed out of the garden, think of how many times we have been the weed in someones garden and they tend to us like we were the rose.  When you are tossed upside down, try to look at it as new view to see what is around.  Let the laughter be your guide, not the sorrow that can fill ones life.  Does your hatred hold you down, or you looking through the pain and seeing the better side of the day?  

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Hanging on by a thread

I am hanging on by a thread.  Growing up, I heard this term and imagined a person that literally was hanging by a piece of thread.  



Then the older I got I understood it was meaning that you were having a tough time with something, and trying to keep yourself together in some way. Image

So now that I have reached a certain point in my life I just wonder how do I pull myself up from a place where you feel that everything keeps falling in.  How do you stay happy and not blame!  Is there anyone else to blame but you, from the position your in?  


There is no one else to blame but me. I have to take look at everything and say that I have had a choice in all things throughout everything.  My choices have made me where I am, and whom I am.  Now because of those choices, do I have the right or even the availability to ask for help or should I have to deal with everything by myself.

I think that everyone should be able to ask for help and receive it.  You shouldn’t have to feel alone when your going through things, and that your alone with no way to out.



I think everyone should have the availability to ask for help, and find it.  You can’t learn and grow if you don’t have help.  Sometimes it takes someone showing you that you can do it a new way, or standing beside you while you go through it.



Recently because of circumstances in my life, I have reached the hanging by a thread and am trying to figure out what to do. I am tired of me feeling that I do not have a choice of things.  Everytime that I think I have control something else gets dropped in my lap.  When can I find an answer that will be able to make things easier in my life and make sure I am not hurting others.

Where do you turn to find your answers, how do get help, and how do you know whom you can trust?  My problems are ones that I seem to find an answer but then somehow I am faced with choices of whom I am affecting with the choice.  Life does not make it easy and has not provided me with a step by step instruction on how to do this.  Even when you get advice from people that are to be experts in something sometimes it is still wrong.  Then how do you know whom you are supposed to trust.

At the same time you also have to worry about how the outside looks at you and is judging. Not only is it just the outside of people that you don’t know but also those that you do.  The people that know you more also seem more at ease to judge you more freely without offering the support that goes with it or willing to stand behind you in the choice they are telling you to make. 

So I have decided that no matter what choice I am making at some point I will make one that will upset or hurt others without meaning to.  That I need to try and trust those willing to help and hope that if I fall they will be there to catch me.  Life is always going to be a tug of war, and sometimes it might be better to let go of the rope and say I am not going to do this anymore.

So if your hanging by a thread, and feeling like that life is pushing you down remember to find someone that will hand you the lifeboat and help you row into something better.

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To the fathers out there

I have recently lost my father and so it makes this fathers day even harder.  The second thing that makes this fathers day hard, is that I am not with my children’s father.  With fathers day coming it has made me think what is a father and how do they affect our lives.  

I know that all may not agree with me when I am writing this, and I am sorry if I have ruffled any feathers in doing so.  I just feel that I need to write what I believe to be a father about my father, and the experience of my children’s father from my standpoint.  

I believe a father is more than someone that is biological, A father is someone  that is there for their children and supports them at all times. A father makes you feel secure, loved and gives you strength.  Not always do I mean physical strength but the emotional strength to handle what life dishes out.

My father was one that worked hard, and was strict, but could also be very loving.  I remember one time I got chicken pox, my mother was busy tending to the itch.  My father is the one that brought me the books to read, stuffed animal, and soda.  Another time, was Christmas when my father was scheduled to work, yet he took the time to put together the barbie house I had received as a gift so I could play with it.  My father was there at every turn, even when I had made not so great decisions.  My father stood by me, and walked me through the steps of helping me get back on my feet when I felt like I was failing my children.  My father never made me feel like a failure even when I had fallen.  He helped me get up, but told me what I had done wrong, and how to correct it.

Shouldn’t all fathers inspire their children to be the best, support their children in anything they wish to do. All fathers should love their children no matter what, even if it something they don’t agree with.  Sometimes we have to let our children make their mistakes, but a father should always be the one you can come back to safely and say help me with it.

My children’s father makes me sad for him.  I know he loves his children, but does he love them more than himself, or to give them what they need?  This is a father that has not participated in hardly anything for them, and not because he was busy with work, but because he chose not to.  He had not been the type to go to school events, church, or almost anything else.  He would rather have spent his weekend with his buddies drinking then with his children.  Now that we are getting a divorce he blames his relationship or lack of on others.  

So despite my feelings of how my ex is as a father, I thought my children should have the right to help celebrate their father however they wish.  I offered my ex the weekend he refused, I offered him not just sunday that he has already, but instead to stay overnight to monday again he refused.  Why?  Again these are his children, why would you say no. I let it pass, and again still feel the urge to try and make his fathers day as best as I can that the children want.  I asked my youngest what he would like to do, he says get him a coffee cup. Cool, we can do that.  Asked my oldest what she wanted to do.  Nothing was the response, not anything I asked?  How about a card, I buy it you sign it. No! was the definitive answer I received, and not to bother again, and why would I want to!  I asked my middle one about it, and got a similar action. No!  I asked why, and if I got a card would he sign.  Again answer no, and he said his father said he wanted nothing.  If it is his fathers day, and he wanted nothing then why should I get or do anything for him.  I felt so hurt, for him and my ex.  I felt hurt because I wanted them to have a great relationship.  

So to end this with a Father is so important, and that I wish every child including my own children had that loving bond between them and their father.  I miss my father and am so thankful for him.  I think every man that is a father deserves to be loved, and hope he loves back that which calls him that name.  Going through the divorce I have met so many wonderful single fathers, and many married ones that guard their children and love them with all their hearts and will go the ends of the earth for them.

Wishing all the amazing men out their that are fathers, even if not by biology a Happy Fathers Day.  You are amazing and I thank you for all that you are and do.

I love you daddy, and hope you can read this from heaven.

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looking past the darkness


The old adage the light at the end of the tunnel, is always something that I try to remember and want to live my life by.  I find when I am thinking that things are at the worse this when it is the darkest for me.  I then need to refocus how I think and my perspective to be able to see the light ahead.  It may only be something as simple as seeing the smiles on my children’s faces to show me the light.

I think when your facing a low you seem to forget about how much good there is out there. I know in the last 3 years I have seen the dark so many times.  I feel it as it surrounds me in the pit of the stomach, and fills me up till it almost consumes me.

I have had to realize that I can either let it take over my life, and lead to being a person that wants to live in hate, or try to forgive,love, and move forward.  So my light has been that I see is the hope that things will get better.  I make my way through those things that scare me and only focus on the beauty in everything.

I hope that you will find the light to shine through your darkness.  Everyone deserves to see and feel the beauty that is out there.  


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Little things in life

Today I awoke to my son coming in my room saying you want some Orange juice mom. Smiling with a huge glass of orange juice in his hand. I looked at him in disbelief and asked may I have a small glass instead. He says sure, and brings me a small glass. He then continues with asking if I want cereal. I declined but explained maybe in a little bit. He said if I could , cook I would have done more than cereal.  It is for these thoughts I am grateful. 

I am thankful for him not being so angry and for my son doing things from his heart.  My daughter then awoke and said she loved me. This is a teenager whom not many words usually come out of. Then she continued to thank me for her bagels and cream cheese.  I can’t say how wonderful those little things are.

I am so thankful for all the little things, because without these I could never see through the darkness that sometimes creeps in.

Do you have little things in life that make you feel better or smile? I do, and they make me feel like the darkness has night light on.  Sometimes I forget to turn the light on, so I sit in the dark till I find the switch.

What is your little night light to happiness?  My little things are my children’s smiles, the I love you, the rain, family time, my friends voice to just say hi, sharing a day with someone special, a Teddy bear.

Please remember the little things that make you smile and keep that light on.
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What is 50%?  Are you talking mathematically, dividing a pie, or splitting your paycheck?  Do you mean 50% of the house, the friends, the children?  In my case I am really tired of hearing 50% with my ex husband when it comes to our children.  

When did children become a percentage, when did they become something we put down to dividing? shouldn’t children have the right to love and be loved 100% not 50%?  Does it mean that you don’t love them if you are not with them but 2 days a week, or if you are with them 4 days a week?  If your children needed glasses you say they can’t have till I get 50% of the bill, or do you get them whether or not the other parent helps pay?  Do you just want 50% so in hopes that you won’t have to pay any child support?

When do you listen to what the child wants, or needs?  Is a childs heart only 50%?  I am sorry but children aren’t 50% except in the dna of both parents.  It takes 100% to raise a child and sometimes more.  I have not found one parent that didn’t need someone elses help with their child at one time.  I have found that even when my children are with their father my heart is with them 100% still. I am not a 50% person in anything, and never will be.

My ex says that he will not settle till he gets 50% of all 3.  right now our custody is I have our daughter all the time, and the boys go back and forth between us.  This is due to our daughter has asked not to go with him.  The boys have stated the same, but due to their age can not make that choice.  I am trying to make the best with the hand that we have been dealt, but sometimes it is very hard.

Example: fathers day is coming up the court order says he can have from 10am to 7pm, unless we decide on any other arrangements, so I offered to trade him weekends so he would have the whole fathers day weekend with the boys.  I got turned down, called some names and told not till 50%.  I then again tried to be nice, and offer Just fathers day night for them to stay over, since they go back to him Monday morning.  Again, I got refused saying not till he got 50% and not to contact him again about changes to stick to the court orders.  

I really don’t understand for a man that says he wants to be with his children and I am offering him more time than he had, but he continues to refuse.  Why would any parent refuse time with their child?  What does 50% have to do with giving more than you have or giving up more for the children?  Isn’t parenting about what will benefit the child most not the parent.

I am sorry children are not a percentage, they are 100% of everything and you should always do 100% of everything to make their lives better not yours.

I am going to give 100% always to my children, and never just 50%.  50% is nothing when you look at their lives in all that you could do for them, and they need.

What do you think?


should you date while going through a divorce

I was wondering how many people that go through a divorce actually date?  how long do you wait?  Are you looking for something serious, or are you looking to date as many as you can? Do you worry about what your ex thinks while you date?  Do you have children and date?  Whom watches the children?  When does your date meet your children?  Do you pay, they pay, or do you go dutch?

I have been going through a long divorce and thought, that dating might be nice.  I thought it might be nice to try and share mine and the childrens’ life with someone.  That thought in itself sounds so nice, sharing your life with someone, but realistically it is so scary.  How do I find that someone?  What happens when we meet, remember I have not dated for over 13 years.  Do I have them come get me, or do I meet them somewhere?  

Well I decided to take a chance and went on a date, and he was very nice.  Good looking, and after talking for several times he met my children.  That went over great, but the problem was he wanted to move faster than I wanted to, but yet he was not willing to share in his side of life.  So, I thought there is something wrong here, so I gave up.  I don’t know if mistake or not, but I felt I needed to know more.   so I waited a while longer and decided to try again.  This time he was again very nice, and I thought I would try not to have my children around till for sure of how things would be.  That did not quite work out, he met 1 of the 3.  I thought this guy was real nice and he talked like there was possibilities, but he was stuck.  Stuck because of where he was, stuck because of our age, stuck because I had young children, and the favorite phrase of being stuck was to see if we were compatible.

That relationship ended, as if it had never started, if you want to call that a relationship.   Although very nice, and we talk as if friends still today and maybe that is more of what we were meant to be or was always what it should have been.

So again, I have not dated since and wondering if I should.  I am afraid of what they will think.  I am afraid of what my kids will think.  I am worried about how my ex will react?  I am worried if I am trying to rush myself into having another person around because I don’t have one right now. 

I am deciding that if I meet the right man, it will not because I have went out in a search.  This man will not worry that I have children, and will want to be as much a part of their lives as I am. The man I find will not be set so much on physical things but the reality of two people wanting to be together forever. He will be all about love,family, and spending time together and making the most out of what we have.  I have decided if that is 2 weeks from now or 50 years, I am not going to settle.  

So my conclusion is if dating during your divorce is for you then go ahead, but if you have children remember they come first still.  Otherwise dating is for when you find the right person and when you are ready, I don’t think it is set in stone for any specific time.

Wishing everyone to find the love for them, and happiness.  

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